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Bush Family Blue
The word on the street is that this week's engagement announcement by President Bush's daughter
, Jenna, was precipitated by hergasp!
That's right, folks: the daughter of President Abstinence-Only-Sex-Education and feral offspring of the standard-bearer of the Party of the Defense of Family Values is in the family way, and so much so that she's already wearing cow smocks to try to hide the consequence of her out-of-wedlock fornication-oriented lifestyle. The picture at left shows Jenna in what appears to be a maternity top. In attendance are family members and Sesame Street icon Elmo, whose obvious look of surprise seems to indicate that he has just been let in on the pious family's rather embarrassing secret.
Is Jenna's soon-to-be husband, Henry Hager, being escorted to the altar with a 12-gauge shotgun to his back? The young man is certainly no stranger to danger: a former White House aide and member of the powerful Right-wing Republican Hager family out of Virginia, 29-year-old Henry burnished his GOP credentials by working on the Bush re-election campaign under the watchful eye of dirty-tricks master Karl Rove, some of whose tactics may have crossed the line from outrageous to criminal if prosecutors choose to press charges related to his coordination of voter caging
lists. Henry's involvement in possible crimes during the campaign is unknown at this time, but becoming a member of the Bush clan will certainly enhance his chances of walking away from past misdeeds without punishment.
The question remains, though: Is Jenna Bush really pregnant? If she is, how is the proud Bush familydevout Christians, all of themplanning to deal with their daughter's fall from grace into the sin of fornication? The family's shame will have no end, especially in this era of opportunistic Leftists and liberals, who will try to convince the defiled girl that hers was no sin as long as her out-of-wedlock sex was with a man she loved and included reasonably believable fake orgasms to make Henry believe that he truly is, as all Christian Republican men should be, a real American stud.
To comfort Jenna's parents, George W. and Laura, in this heart-wrenching time, we conclude this article with select passages from the Holy Bible.
Leviticus 21:13 (NIV):
The woman he marries must be a virgin.
Matthew 15:19 (KJV):
For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies:
Acts 15:20 (NIV):
Instead we should write to them, telling them to abstain from food polluted by idols, from sexual immorality, from the meat of strangled animals and from blood.
1 Corinthians 6:9-10 (KJV):
Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind... [n]or thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God.
1 Corinthians 6:13 (KJV):
Meats for the belly, and the belly for meats: but God shall destroy both it and them. Now the body is not for fornication, but for the Lord; and the Lord for the body.
Colossians 3:5 (NIV):
Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.
The Dark Wraith thanks BibleGateway.com
for providing relevant citations and quotes for God's Word on fornicators.
Now Now, Mr. Wraith
Some scholars think that Virgin in its original context may not mean simply one who hasn't had sex, but one who hasn't been married.
If we use the latter deffinition then clearly Jenna is still a Virgin and worthy to bask in the glow Jesus's Love and be gently stimulated by the thunderous applause of fellow Republicans.
Good afternoon, PoliShifter.
Actually, the term "virgin" is a great example of why translation is so difficult since, in a number of ancient languages (and to this day in some), the word can mean "young girl" as well as "woman who has not yet known man." It could even be used as a pejorative or as a point of humor, as Shakespeare did in "Taming of the Shrew."
In the context of the Virgin Mary, it was probably to some extent used defensively, for the writers of the Gospels were keenly aware of the rumors that had persisted in the time of Mary's pregnancy that she, like many girls in the Roman-occupied lands, had been ravaged (willingly or otherwise) by one or more Roman soldiers. Jesus, Himself, suffered some name-calling associated with being alleged to have been conceived in this way, with Mary claiming falsely that the circumstance was otherwise and mystical.
But insofar as the reference to "virgin" in Leviticus is concerned, because of the other referents in concordant proximity, it was very likely a specific reference to a woman whose hymen was still intact.
The Dark Wraith has just gotten a little too technical descriptive for his own sensibilities.
Good Afternoon, Dark Wraith.
I believe the term "revirgination" was lost in translation, too. Those of you who lived in the country or spent any time at all hiking in the woods will know that a road or a trail with regular traffic, be it vehicular or pedestrain, will remain clear and open. But let it fall into disuse, and very soon the weeds and vines will crowd in until, in scarcely any time at all, the pathway is completely obscured as if it never even existed. What we need is an intripid new blazer of trails.
And so it is with us when our personal trails have gone unblazed for a time: We revert to our former state. And you know, of course, what an unexplored wood is called, don't you? Yes, it is a virgin forest. If we spend too much time without a regular man, we may go into a state of revirgination. This is a positive occurrence, given the high premium placed by men on virginity in both woods and women. They just do purely love to be the first one in someplace.
For revirgination to occur in a woman, it requires some changes in demeanor and comportment. It is not enought to be a virgin----or revirgin, as it were.....one must also act like one. A certain degree of shyness, timidity, and wide-eyed naivete is required. Certain props, such as hair bows, may help facilitate the transformation process.
You can also get good tips from romance novels: Everybody's a virgin in them.
Good afternoon, Missouri Mule. As a young man, I had tools with which I cleared dense brush at the old family homestead.
The Dark Wraith also had a rather small but amazingly reliable ax.
“Re-virgination”… it’s been done in jokes from time immemorial.
An appropriate sized bone-in ham is inserted in the wannabe virgin and the bone is pulled out leaving a much smaller passage way! Voila! The man suspects nothing but has a strange desire for Rye bread and mustard after sex.
That would also be a great term for Jenna since in mechanical circles a similar “device” made of any number of materials is called… a “bush-ing!
About Elmo. I think he’s surprised because Jenna fingered him as the probable father. And I thought he’d be tickled!
The Dark Wraith should have known this post would be attended by a rowdy comment thread.
Good afternoon, Dark Wraith.
Excuse me, but why haven't you kept up????
Don't you know that it's perfectly alright for either (or both) of the twins to have sex before marriage. ..just as it was okay for Bush to use cocaine..and everything else. The rules for them are different...
Now, anyone un-related to the bush family (or not in their particular party) should be be sent to jail, horse-whipped, or whatever punishment is the current righteous religious thing, these days.
.. (and what the hell does 1 Corinthians 6:13 (KJV): Meats for the belly, and the belly for meats: but God shall destroy both it and them. Now the body is not for fornication, but for the Lord; and the Lord for the body. mean? Eeechhh.
Good afternoon, Old White Lady.
Your "Eeechhh" declaration seems to indicate that you correctly suspect the meaning of "Meats for the belly, and belly for the meats."
The King James Version, as flawed as it is in some places and ways, is often simply delicious in how well it translates meaning, intent, and sense from original text.
The Dark Wraith might eat some hamburger tonight.
Father Tyme, the time it takes for revirgination to occur varies from woman to woman. Some might revirginate in a matter of weeks, while for others it might take months. Still others have honed their skill to such a level that they're able to simply spontaneously revirginate within mere moments as often as the situation demands. A reconstituted virgin is so much better than a plain ole virgin that's been sitting in storage for a hundred years. With a revirgin, all the benefits of training, experience, and the accompanying enthusiasm are retained; in addition, the equipment has been well maintained. It is not necessary or even desirable to pretend to your new trailblazer that you have never been down this road before, especially if you have one or more children who look exactly like you. Or children, for that matter. No, it is enough to state, for the record, that you are a card-carrying reconstituted virgin and entitled to all manner of special considerations as such. It will then be up to him to woo and entice you to yield your most current virtue to his manly assaults upon its bastions. (He can also get some good tips from romance novels and fairy tales. I mean, who could resist a guy who rides up on a noble steed, rescuers you from a dastardly villain, and gives you a kingdom or something comparable? Actually, if he could just demonstrate substantively that he is not himself a dastardly villain, he'd be pretty darned irresistible in my opinion: I'd be perfectly happy to provide my own steed and kingdom-------but that's just me.)
This revirgination thing is only useful up to a point-----holding out too long is just cutting off your nose to spite your face. So do try to keep in mind how much better your face looks and feels with a nose.
I hope you didn't give away any secrets from the revirgination union!
We already suspect the technique of "faking it" because Meg Ryan already let one secret slip.
But romance novels? Can't we just read letters to Penthouse, instead?
Oh and about that nose, it depends where in the world you are. Showing one in that "far off land" could be highly erotic...or dangerous!
you have the greatest information!
Certain props, such as hair bows, may help facilitate the transformation process.
Memo to self: buy more hair bows. :)
The worst news here to me is that more spawn of the shrub will continue to further pollute the genepool. Maybe I shouldn't be so harsh but this opportunity cannot be allowed to pass. Let's see, 6 months before the first anniversary we should see the results. Assuming this is true, I have not seen anything else about it. Not that I really give a shit one way or another about Jenna's situation but them that blows the hardest can expect a tempest.
Nothing like some stinking POS without a worry to constantly yell how everyone else should be. Reminds me why I avoid wrasteling on TV. Always hated it when some asshole yelled at me.
But just now better things are available, the true blackdog is pushing his chest against my right thigh with his head resting on my leg wanting lots of pets. From this angle it's easy to use my right hand to gently stroke his muzzle with my thumb while my hand strokes his head, my thumb passing between his eyes. I've found that dogs really love this, but there is a required large measure of trust. Watch that you don't hurt the eyes. Then when the Woof is really satisfied he will burp loudly and look up at me, grinning. He thinks that's pretty damn funny.
I could use a better sense of humor.
Old White Lady,
It was recently brought to my attenion that a few men are imtimidated by us women. I was stunned by this revelation, since I consider myself to be very sweet and eminently approachable, (if not a dainty flower of girlish vulnerablity) Imagine my surprise when Peteroflonetree, allegedly speaking on behalf of men in general advised me that I was actually, in his words, a "ball-busting bitch." My, my. You just never can see yourself as others see you, can you?
This put me in quite a quandary because, as I explained to Peter, most of us gals are fending for ourselves out there in the big world, and although we might dearly love, above all things, to sit down in the middle of the road, heave a big sigh, and wait for the cavlry to come to our aid, experience has shown us that they just ain't coming. And furthermore, if they do show up, they want us to fix them lunch or tell them what tie to wear. Whatever need to get done is going to have to get done by us our ownselves. Peteroflonetree contends that I would have a much better shot at getting guys to run errands, pay for stuff, buy jewelry, furs, and flowers, as well as slobber all over me endlessly, if I didn't act so much like guys. He actually said that I am a guy and that, as masculine as he himself is, he is damn sight more feminie than I ever thought about being.
Well! I thought in a huff. I demanded, not that he put his money where his mouth is (what could be more worthless than a man with a mouthfull of money), but that he buy me dinner and give me details on how, in his opinion, I could be more girl-like. I wanted details on how to do it, examples of when I'm not doing it, and alternative----more feminine----choices for future reference. He said he would do just that, but he insisted that I must, to use his own words, "leave my dick" at home." He wanted to be the only one at dinner who had one.
To put myself into the spirit of the occasion, I decided I would try to dress the part. Thinking ruffles, pink stuff, petticoats, white stocking, little flat-patent shoes, I trotted off to my closet and returned crestfallen and empty-handed. Who, I ask, Old White Lady, has got that? Obviously not me, since I am a guy, to hear Peter talk. I did however, fix my hair. I dredged up some old hair bows from my daughter's archives-----great big, floopy ones. I piled my hair on top of my head and plunked a giant bow smack in the middle of it. Lemme tell ya, putting a big bow in your hair has almost the same effect as putting on a crown! I walked different......sort of prancy, actually----and I found myself tilting my head this way and that. Hence, hair bows. Instant girl. Maximum appeal.
To the Dark One this evening. I get enough spouting of scripture from my folks even though I do the best in my power to avoid it that your posting was difficult to endure.
I know that gawd hates fornicators and masturbators in any order and has them roasted routinely in the eternal fires of hell, would that we could figure out just how to harness that energy source, eternal no less! I digress. Normal. Gawd also hates those that take his (?) name in vain. Well gawddamnit, I don't know what to think of that. If only someone would substitute my name in vain I might be satisfied.
But noone does, so I live in a protracted manner trying to dodge the most obvious pitfalls and falling into several anyway. Part of me hears that I should be down on my knees (!!) giving thanks for the pile of crap that I find myself in. That part also hears the promises of strange folk like Happy Cauldwell (!!!) saying that I will be repaid thousands of times over for the 0.10$ I give to his ministry.
If I were to really believe this crap then pigs really could fly and frogs would gladly bump their asses a'hopin'.
What tantilizes me most though is that I am pregnant. It's true! I was visited by a holy wraith or something the other night and was told that I would bear (!) a child through my stoma and to quickly remove the child from my bag. Otherwise the child would become another run of the mill turd hurder and be lost in the masses.
But this child, born literally by man, will exist to reform refurbished virgins and adolescent boys toward a new horizon, the one you can see out your back window. Run goat, run!
The childs greatest utterance I am told will be, "to catch a fish, so juicy sweet".
By the time my child says that I will be about 90 years old, and most likely 6 feet under. So the best part of all of this is that I don't have to see it!
Miracles do exist!
Good evening, Missouri Mule.
On the subject of noses, I should note that, in some cases, it might be better not to have one than to possess one so crooked that people sort of stare at it.
Not mentioning any names, mind you, but the subject does hit rather close to home.
The Dark Wraith is a bit touchy about some matters.
Good evening, BlackDog.
I would strongly recommend that you put at least $10 into that minister's collection plate. As I understand it, the work of the Lord isn't cheap these days, what with the way falsely pious people have watered down the value of religious currency.
Ten dollars will get you out of Purgatory. Which way you head from there is a matter of some dispute, but I assume that the lighter you are, the more likely you'll float upward instead of downward. I think maybe breathing in a healthy dose of helium might help, too, but that could be problematic, what with the way a person would be talking really funny when Saint Peter asked whether or not the petitioner had lived a good life.
Which reminds me that I once knew a guy who had taught his dog how to take a charge of helium and then bark. The dog was pretty big, and when that animal would start woofing with that helium coming out, the bark was simply unearthly. The dog seemed pleased by his helium barking at people knocking at the door. A lot of people would step quite a ways back from the screen when they had that dog barking his fool, helium-filled head off at them from the other side.
The Dark Wraith ought to try that, himself, some time.
I am re-virgined. I've simply fallen into disuse like my pierced ear lobes that haven't seen action in so long that they closed up. But that is nothing compared to this:
I am pregnant!
Not only have I not had sexual relations this century, I've been barren for the past 7 years. You ask, how the hell do I know I am pregnant if I don't have a monthly visitor? Well my stomach is getting bigger and I puke a lot.
I'm pretty sure that it has nothing to do with the fact that I spend most of my evenings at the outdoor patio at Runyon's Roadside Bar and Grill on Hempstead Turnpike drinking beer and eating mass quantities fried clams as some folks have suggested. Ladies simply do not get beer guts and when did anyone ever get sick from eating clams on Long Island? And damn you to hell if you think I am just fat.
Possibly just an 'inconvenient' gas? Although pregnancy is probably cheaper.
I consider myself to be very sweet and eminently approachable,
Missouri Mule, I agree with your assessment. I'm glad you saw fit to give out the details on how you realized what hair bows could do for us gals. As for Peteroflonetree, did he change his tune?
Blackdogit all anyway, it's a miracle! Blackdog is preggers, and so is Blondesense (even after the re-virgining)!
Oh, oh... you don't think it's because of visiting this site, do you?
Well, we know it can't be the water. Nothing can live in American water.
And I would think DW's electrons should scare away any swimmers.
I guess that leaves the toilet seat.
The Dark Wrath reaches for the Home Paternity Test kit he bought on eBay.
[A blonde wraith kid would positively scare the HELL out of the neighbors.]
sorry, no miracle immaculately conceived fetus-citizens to report. after the birth of my son i vowed that any further children would have to arrive at the age of 21 with their own apartment.
i haven't budged from that stance.
I think I'd opt for the kid also to have a permanently faulty memory about where I live.
dear Virgin Blonde:
maybe you should - you know - think about getting your little, um, development a ah, father. You know, some reputable gent to give it his name, and to forestall all the whisperings. Besides, you wouldn't want to run the risk that the little tyke might develop a messiah-complex.
Oh, and you know alchohol is out for now. And the obstetrician may frown on "massive quanitities of fried clams".
PS: it certainly did not even even occured to me that you might be fat. Hence my offering of these concerns.
Man oh man, this thread is SOOOO hawt! I'm not even using my hands to type this!SRETgph
aotns Whoa! Sorry 'bout that...lost my balance.
Used to have access to lab grade helium (ACS), but the possibilities of teaching the hounds to partake eluded me. That is really funny. I did in boredom make a large trashbag balloon with a really large aluminum foil tail that for all I know is still floating around up there causing terrer alerts to climb into the red on occasion. It5 was well made, but it was over 10 years ago. UV might have gotton it by now. Too bad.
I stick my head in the mud, or sand as I can find. Taters au gotton. Well, just pronounce it and it will come. Sorta like cotton. I head to the couch where I can be enlightened by the TV.
I need to buy some video games for this place.
Hmmm....Trog69, you big ole sack of diamonds, you best come sit my me.
I already have a joystick! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
It's around here, somewhere. 8 P
I swear, I did not see Mo's comment afore posting!
I take NOTHING back!! I ain't askairt! 'Specially 'cause most folks who say that I'm a sack fulla something, usually don't refer to diamonds as the filler!
Fear that woman, trog.
The Dark Wraith thinks she knows how to operate Webcams.
I've been thinking of the timing.... For Jenna to be showing in her first pregnancy, she is probably well along (I didn't show with my first child until I was 7 months pregnant - seriously)
Remember her trip to South America? It's entirely possible, if she really IS preggers, that the Bush grandchild could be named Jesus(as in haysoos) or Maria.
From Slate's War Room:Heck of a Job: The Abu Ghraib Edition
A military judge has just dismissed two of the most serious charges facing Army Lt. Col. Steven L. Jordan, the former director of the interrogation center at Abu Ghraib and the only officer charged with abusing detainees there.
The reason for the dismissal: An Army investigator failed to read Jordan his rights during an interview in 2004 and "misspoke" when he testified previously that he had done so.
-- Tim Grieve
Let's hear it for the 'rule of law'!
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