One-liners, Rimshots, and Insults for Monday
He's a few fries short of a Happy Meal.
She's a few cheese cubes short of a snack tray.
There you go: five times around the barn to get to the outhouse.
Too much crack, not enough cocaine.
It's a boob, but there ain't no woman in sight.
A hole, an ass, an' that's about it.
Couldn't find his own butt using both hands and a road atlas.
Flaky crust without the crust part.
My farts make more sense than you.
Close your mouth; you're embarrassing your face.
I ain't got no quarrel with yer God; it's that crazy-ass religion o' yorn that makes my crotch itch.
Sarah Palin should have been President: the Chinese would never repo us with her in the deal.
I'll follow you as soon as you stop stepping in every damn cow pie you come across.
You can't be that stupid... Oh. You're a Republican. Okay, you can be that stupid.
Ugly ain't got nothin' to do with it. The reason you don't get pussy is because you're a Republican. (Not that you ain't ugly, too.)
Stop thinking. We're running out of diapers in your size.
In the good old days, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich would be at the bottom of the lake by now. (Darned those anti-pollution laws.)
I miss the Republicans: that thing they did with walking straight over the cliff was cool.
What do you get when you put a neo-conservative on a real battlefield? Oh, that's right: you'd never actually see a neo-conservative on a real battlefield.
Big in the wallet, small in the pants.
Don't fart in my face and tell me the tater wagon's a-comin'.
Democrats, 2006: These deficits have got to get SMALLER!
Democrats, 2009: These deficits have got to get BIGGER!
Democrats, 2012: What the Hell is that foreclosure truck from Beijing doin' in the driveway?
Religious conservative sex: man on top, woman in the kitchen.
Republican congressman: "Airport bathrooms are for peeing?!"
Concerning that prostitute Elliot Spitzer bought and that soon-to-be-one who's auctioning her virginity: Am I the only guy on Earth who thinks those chicks are pig-butt ugly?
And while I'm at it, how come no one wants to pay big bucks for my virtues? (Never mind that I have none: I can lie like a rug if it's worth a few grand and a good steak dinner.)
If you think the Democrats are now going to be effective, try saying, "House Speaker Nancy Pelosi" with a straight face.
It turns out "too big to fail" wasn't true. So how come all those geniuses now think the government should take over giant companies that failed? Ah, that's right: the government's too big to fail. Now I get it.
Heard coming from the Oval Office yesterday: "Change," my ass! Who talked me into this job, anyway?!
Heard coming from Vice President Biden's office: Why are all these paper shredders in here?
Heard coming from Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's office: Exactly where am I in the line of succession?
OxyContin: The Rush Is On!
Sign of bad times coming: Bids are being taken to build a pipeline from Staples to pump red ink to the Treasury Department's accounting office.
Sign of even worse times coming: The Treasury Department canceled its order for two bottles of black ink.
Sign of absolutely ugly times coming: The Treasury chief is forbidding government economists from saying "U.S. economy" and "negative infinity" in the same sentence.
And it's always darkest just before it's pitch black.
Israeli Defense Forces' new motto: Palestinians? What Palestinians?
Hamas's new motto: Ouch.
Gaza's new motto: Parking space available.
Iraq's new motto: At least the Israelis don't stay SIX FRIGGIN' YEARS LIKE THE AMERICANS!
The Dark Wraith was about to go overboard.
Wrote Phydeaux Speaks:
Wrote Moody Blue:
Wrote Minstrel Boy:
Wrote kelley b:
Wrote Progressive Traditionalist:
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