Recent Graphics Fun
Enjoy my stuff, below. Some of the graphics are timely commentary, and some of them are less so. (If some of them don't make sense, it's probably because they are aimed at some specific group, like the "Call of Duty" motivational poster.) Be sure to click on a picture and vote for it if you like it, and definitely post anything that appeals to you at your own site. You can also see my complete set of Cheezburger Network graphics (some of which are of a slightly racier variety and thus not quite suitable for The Dark Wraith Forums) by clicking here.
For Men Only (and It's about Women)
The incident to which I am referring was a comment I made to a post made by a woman. I took what in retrospect was a downright fresh, unsolicited attempt at humor, which is, even as I write this, swirling away from the wellhead and into the Cloud as yet further evidence that I am no less than an insensitive cad, a veritable dolt.
In a meager but honest effort to contain the spill of unintended indolence I displayed, I herewith offer a few gems of true and useful advice to men, that they may not tread the ground that I have found to be littered with the bodies of men who foolishly went before me. Without further ado, this is a compendium of some of my best advice:
• When women are joking about their weight, don't join in the fun. Just don't. Let it go. You have nothing to say.
• Never use synonyms when it comes to weight, either. "Husky" is a real no-go. Ditto for "healthy." Double-ditto for "ample" and anything that involves the word "pelvis."
• If you can't figure out what a woman's tattoo is, that probably means it has sagged a whole lot since she got it. Just drop-kick your questions over to the trash can and leave them there.
• If you don't know what something is in a woman's bathroom, don't ask. You probably don't need to know, anyway.
• Glance but do not look at a girl wearing ultra-short shorts. She's not wearing them for you. For every other man, possibly; but not for you.
• If you do more than a quick glance at the short-shorts, you're a pervert. If you're over the age of 25, you're a pervert, anyway. (But you're still not allowed to ogle.)
• Never use the word "cougar" to describe a woman over the age of 30. I don't care if she's walking on all fours and stalking deer. Women have words to degrade men that will make Viagra turn to dust before the dope clears your cake hole. Don't start a war where your BB gun is up against a nuclear arsenal.
• Whatever she wears, say, "You look great," even if she looks like upchuck after the all-you-can-eat fried Spam buffet at the Presbyterian Ladies' Relief Festival.
• Your body's out-gassings are not funny to her. Even if she secretly thinks they are, she's not going to let on for one second. You're a pig, and that's on your better days, especially the ones when you're dead.
• Yes, you really do have to belch and fart, and sometimes you have to do so when a woman is nearby. You do not have to turn your burps into the "Star-Spangled Banner," and you most certainly do not have to embellish your flatulence by whipping your hind leg off to the side.
• In a related vein, your body functions do not need your post-blast commentary and analysis. You do that, and someday you'll end up being one of those old geezers who tells people about every bowel movement he's just finished.
• If a lady is kind enough to give you a kiss, try your very best not to think it's an invitation to face lunch. Give the woman a few minutes to have her way before you go all cannibal.
• Look at yourself in the mirror. If you're like 95 percent of the men out there, you are not a couple of sit-ups away from having super-models peel their thongs out from between their supple cheeks for you. Consider that when you whine about out-of-shape women.
• Speaking of out-of-shape, do you have any idea what it takes to look like one of those guys in a men's health magazine? It hurts like Hell, you can never stop doing the workouts, and hardly anybody is going to care. Don't bother fantasizing that you'll look like that when you get around to it. As the direct corollary, why would you expect more out of most sane women, especially considering the complexity of their hormones, genetically predetermined adipose layers, and the fact that a lot of them have carried one or more giant chuck roasts around for nine months (and then pushed them out while the guys stand around wondering why they don't hear the sound of detonating ass)?
• Here's some personal advice (mostly for the noobs, but that's part of my penitence in this post). Take it or leave it, but be sure to take umbrage if I offend your sensibilities.
• Wash. That makes you look good. You don't have to be a Greek god to be a fine prize.
• Try a little cologne once in a while. Not buckets. Just a little. Put it on your shoulders and just below your neck, front and back. And don't dab some on your crotch, you oaf.
• Wads of body hair have been going out of style since the Neanderthals. You don't have to wax, but it doesn't hurt to trim.
• Wearing dumpy shorts and silly-ass T-shirts might make you all comfy, but it also makes you look like you don't care. Maybe you really don't, but I'll bet you actually do.
• Look at details: nails, nose and ear hair, even navel hair. We're men; way too many of us are conditioned to ignore personal details, especially as we age and get too set in our ways. Does the thought of a gross, naked guy standing close by offend you? Think about why. Seriously, get past the homophobia and think about exactly why men are gross to other men.
• Even if you already have a partner, never assume she or he will take you however you decide to be. Make as many days as you can the special occasion to look great. Even if you don't have money, you can still carry yourself with an air that makes you different from the average caveman.
Now, back to a few last main points.
• Don't complain about a woman's cooking. If you don't like it, go out to eat. If you can't afford that, learn how to cook food yourself. You might find out her cooking is pretty darned delicious compared to your own Barf Teaser Blue Plate Specials.
• Don't just look busy; be busy. If you're sitting in front of a television, you're wasting your life. Don't be surprised if you're not earning any respect living your life that way.
• And do responsible chores before someone has to bitch at you. Don't give a woman the chance to bring her nagging mother side out. You should hate it if she does that. (If nothing else will motivate you, think about how much it will piss her off if she can't find a good reason to play the role of mother superior to you.)
• You don't have to be a hero to be heroic. Practice the art of being the good guy. If a woman doesn't appreciate that, she's not worth your time, anyway. The same goes for your work life: if your company punishes the good guys who do the right thing instead of the most profitable or the most obedient, then your company is bad. You won't get any medals for doing what's right, but you live a good life long enough, and you'll get the most coveted honor of all, respect from yourself.
• Stop thinking about a piece of ass all the time. If you're stuck on porn, for cryin' out loud, get a life. You're living in a lie that doesn't really exist, and you're wasting that awesome life you could have. If you don't like to be used, manipulated, lied to, and demeaned, walk away from things that do exactly that to you. Trust me on this one, it isn't some conservative religious thing. Most of the girls who take off their clothes do so because they like attention. They don't like your attention, though. You don't matter. You know how I know this? No, you might be just be a little annoyed if you knew how I know this.
• That doesn't mean you can't like the thought of bare women (or men, if that's your thing). Some of the best times in life are with naked folks. Just don't let impossible fantasies on the other side of a magazine page or computer monitor turn you into a zombie.
Finally, a few parting words of wisdom. A while back, I wrote a few of these things to a friend on that social network, and I got a response from another friend accusing me of declaring that men were all wrong, and it's all our fault. I shot back a fairly sharp response (inappropriately defensive, in retrospect) to the effect that, no, it goes both ways. Regardless of my personal dedication to staying out of striking distance of women for the rest of my life, given the sustained, nearly unstoppable domestic violence that was visited upon me by a woman in our culture where the laws and the courts chivalrously have no quarter for men as victims, I most decidedly do not think there is any bias whatsoever in the oafishness department. What I know, however, is that the only behavior I can control is my own, both that which arises from my own personality and that which comes by way of my enculturation.
"Fight the system" and "rage against the machine" ring hollow if such clichés apply only to our political lives, which are nothing but the mirror of our society at large. To turn from the wrongful path of our harmed and hurting political culture, we simply must start with its foundations in a flawed way of seeing ourselves and the world around us.
The difference between the desirable and the desired is such a chasm. I am firmly convinced that the toughest, most important duty an honest person has is to close that gap as much as possible, knowing full well that it cannot be closed all the way and that it might not be the best idea to close it completely, anyway.
But we have to do our best. Fight extremism with strength; fight lies with honesty; and fight corruption with decency. If you're going to be a little judgmental, make sure to qualify your finger wagging with plenty of references to your own failures.
Avoid like the Plague ending up like those Christians who think they're "saved," which gives them license to judge others and kiss their own, precious backsides. On the other hand, avoid just as much ending up like the Muslims who think every generation since the first couple after the Prophet have been trash by comparison.
It's a weird, tough, scary world out there, and the one out there isn't even close to being as weird, tough, and scary as the one in our own heads.
Just don't forget my advice earlier in this article when it comes to what you say and do around women. Start by keeping your pie hole shut when the ladies are having a conversation about weight or maybe even sex; otherwise, you might find out the hard way that it's one thing to make it to the finish line of your life, but it's quite another to make it there with your head still attached.