Special Blog Post:
A Realist's Best Shot at New Year's Wishes
May your physical maladies be somewhat less than agonizing.
May the wind be from your back and not from your backside.
May your pets not eat you when you die alone in your home.
May you have few and relatively unobtrusive new liver spots on your skin.
May you watch hours of congressional hearings where Democrats pretend to have a spine.
May the emotional problems of your neighbors not involve you too much.
When you lose your job, may you discover that you actually like the flavor of dry dog food.
May you not be sitting on the john in a public restroom when the person in the next stall screams, "JIHAD!"
May your prescriptions cost less than your annual income.
May the disappearance of sensation in your reproductive organs not bother you too much.
May you not hear what kids say about how you smell.
May you continue to live under the illusion that you don't look too bad when you're naked.
May Bill O'Reilly not give out your home address on his show.
May the collapse of the banking system not happen right after your paycheck has been deposited.
May you not be rendered to a secret CIA prison in the Second World.
If you are rendered to a secret CIA prison in the Second World, may you be allowed a latte break each day.
May your dossier at the National Security Agency not be requested by Dick Cheney.
May your dossier with the Mossad not be marked "Pending Action."
May you not be stopped by a cop whose badge reads: "It's Giuliani Time!"
May the RFID chip you are forced to wear to keep your job not have electrical surges.
May the Chinese let you keep the clothes you're wearing when they call in all the debt we owe them.
When you pass through the machine that shows your naked body to the TSA screening guys, may you not hear them laughing hysterically.
May you not hear your surgeon say, just as you're going under anesthesia, "What's the frequency, Kenneth?"
May the administrative director of your region when martial law is declared not be Pat Robertson.
May the genetically modified produce in your refrigerator never say, "Feed me."
May you be holding a giant banana cream pie when George W. Bush walks up to shake your hand.
And so, in summary...
May you have a Wonderful New Year!