Dramatic Turnaround: Stock Markets Close Unchanged for the Day

This news break is cross-posted at Big Brass Blog

In a new twist on the three-week plunge in stock prices, every stock on the boards closed unchanged from yesterday. The exciting development led Bush Administration officials, speaking on condition of anonymity, to gloat that "...we're finally seeing daylight here." When asked if stock prices might have stopped falling because the markets were closed today for Good Friday, the official said, "This is just more of that reality-based bias the news media tries to use to criticize the great work of this Administration in protecting the profits of American companies." Stock traders were not available for comment, although several thousand were seen at Manhattan bars drinking themselves blind over the losses they've suffered in the recent downturn in stocks. One investment analyst was quoted off the record as saying, "We'll sure be glad when those private Social Security accounts start. At least then some serious sucker money is going to plow into this market so we can cash out and head for the Riviera." Asked if any Wall Street institutional investors were concerned about future retirees living in poverty because of this plan, the investment analyst responded, "And that's my problem because...?"

In other news today, it was revealed that the Bush Administration plans to sell advanced F-16 fighter planes to nuclear-armed adversaries Pakistan and India. Pentagon officials indicated that, with the pinpoint airstrike capabilities of these jets, neither side will need to continue research on and development of intermediate-range ballistic missiles just so they can bomb each other back to the Stone Age. When it was pointed out that many, if not most, of the people in both Pakistan and India are so poor they already live in nearly Stone Age conditions as it is, the Pentagon officials quickly moved on to recent photographs of alleged nuclear weapons development facilities in Iran. One reporter at the press conference asked why the United States was selling advanced weapons systems to Pakistan, the country that had tacitly supported its leading nuclear weapons expert, Dr. A.Q. Khan, who for years covertly sold both plans and parts for building nuclear weapons to Second and Third World nations, including Iran, North Korea, Libya, and a certain South American country. The reporter was quickly disappeared, with rumors swirling that he had been taken to the Gannon Re-education Training Camp currently located on a converted cruise liner called The Raging Muscle floating in the Gulf of Mexico.

In related news this afternoon, hospital officials in the capitol revealed that Joe Lieberman is pregnant with Ann Coulter's love child. More news on this breaking story as tolerance for unspeakable news parodies increases.

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